THE BARE FACTS

Question: I’m 42 years old, divorced. Recently, I became involved with a 30-year-old professional man who works in my building. He’s very attractive and could get any woman he wanted, so I’ve been playing it cool. We haven’t been intimate yet, but I know it’s going to happen. I’ve had kids and the stretch marks that go with it. My body isn’t the body of a young single woman. I’m a little overweight and having breast fed two children, my breasts aren’t that perky or firm anymore. How can I make myself more appealing in the nude? Frankly, I’m embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of him. I don’t want him to be turned off. What can I do to minimize my figure defects?

Answer: Surprise! At any age, women agonize about the way their naked body will look to a man with whom they’re having sex. Overweight men with a big gut never give a moment of worry about how they look except for the size of you-know-what? When we, as women, get naked, we want to make a grand entrance, even if we’re not so grand. Is there any dignified way to get naked and to present whatever men or women have that just hangs there? Men have pride in what’s there unless it’s not up to standard, but even with that, he’s not going to allow himself to be deprived. Why are women so self-conscious? Because we are victims of society’s message that the woman has to be young and beautiful to attract a man. Sadly, we’re brain-washed into believing that youth and good looks comprise the sum total of a woman’s worth. Even if we’re toned and flexible and he’s salivating, saying how beautiful he thinks we are, we’re never convinced. There’s always that uncertainty. It hovers over us like a thunder cloud about to burst and ruin the night. Even gorgeous women are insecure about the way they look in the nude. That begs the question—if they’re insecure, what about the rest of us who aren’t that gorgeous with our quilted thighs or flabby upper arms? Will he be shocked and repulsed? Should I spend the next six months going to the gym and starving the fat off before I allow him to see me naked? You could do that, but he may be gone by then.

Think of this: he’s naked, his clothes strewn on the floor. He’s visibly ready. You’ve managed candlelight. It’s glowing and forgiving. So what’s the problem? The problem is in your head. Okay, you can leave the sexy underwear on. It helps. It gives you some comfort, and he will probably enjoy helping to take it off when the moment is right. It’s not that easy, huh? Just remember when a man is sexually aroused, the woman’s body even with some flaws is beautiful. Are you noticing his love handles? Or that his upper arms aren’t that muscular? Probably not even entering your mind because you’re so focused on you. And so is he, because he doesn’t give a second of worry to his flaws. He’s in the moment. And that’s where you should be. And whatever you do, don’t apologize for your body. That only draws his attention to it when he would otherwise not notice. Even if you’re twenty or thirty pounds overweight, you don’t have to worry because the guy already knew that. Clothes don’t disguise that much. If he wanted a skinny woman, he wouldn’t be there with you.

There are several ways of handling this dilemma. But before you get to that stage, be sure you have nice new seductive underwear. Men love silk and lace. If your legs have varicose veins, you might wear a sexy garter belt and stockings, the kind men fantasize about. Once a man is aroused, he sees what he wants to see. He’s not going to take the time to scrutinize you to see if your body is perfect. Be sure to engage in a lot of foreplay before the clothes come off. By the time they do, he’ll be so eager to please himself and you that he won’t even notice your figure faults. Men who really like women, and particularly an older woman, prefer round curves to bony sharp edges. They want a woman to look womanly. Don’t forget candlelight is romantic and very forgiving and so is a blazing fire in the fireplace if you can manage that. Or you can snuggle on a couch to watch a movie in the dark. Let one thing lead to another. You might consider a deserted moonlit beach. It’s a wonderful venue.

A word of caution: try to avoid being on top because gravity has a funny way of making all the skin fall forward. When he’s on top, there’s no droop; however, unless you have implants, you might want to keep your arms close to your body so that your breasts won’t look like sunny-side-up fried eggs. One woman, not wanting him to see her full body naked, started her sexual relationship with her young man in the back seat of a car on a deserted country road on a dark night where she knew there would be no onlookers, but for safety, I don’t recommend that.

Now, some very good and sound advice based on what I heard from so many of the men I interviewed: If the two of you have been together several times, and he’s still pursuing you, he already thinks you’re attractive or he wouldn’t still be there. By the time you’re both in the throes of passion, you think he looks great, and he thinks you do too, so stop the worry and enjoy each other. Hint, hint: the average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with a perfect figure.