When the irreverent Valerie Gibson coined the term Cougar, she meant women in their 40's prowling for great sex with younger men in their 20's. No longer is the term limited to just that age group of women with that sole purpose in mind. At this point in time, the term no longer gives the impression of coming at you with a head shot smirk. The topic of women with younger men is so breathless that it is simply a new and exciting trend embraced by both women and younger men. It's a happening. It's now. It's high fever.
There are women in their 30's going with men in their 20's, women in their 60's going after men in their 50's and everything in between and beyond. The new "cougar" is looking for meaningful relationships with men who are younger, and it's about much more than just sex. Sure, when women think about what they love about younger men, they muse on their fantasies, but, make no mistake about it, the younger men are doing the same thing. That's what brings them together, but the expanded definition of the term "cougar" means that these are not just one night stands or short term flings. Rather they are relationships of real duration including marriage. Even biology is helping by extending childbearing years for women.
Women's good health and good looks, and the demographics are playing into this dynamic. Women live longer than men and are looking better than ever well into old age. We know that. And there just aren't enough eligible men to go around.
You should realize that this has gone far afield from what Gibson wrote about in her book, Cougar.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
IN THE THROES OF ECSTASY
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is advisable if you’re on the witness stand and under oath, but it’s simple insanity to tell the truth at all times in a relationship. Being raised in a society where we hear over and over again that honesty is the best policy, presents a real dilemma for us.
What do you say when asked: Am I beautiful? Or, does this make me look fat? The honest answer is the death knell of a relationship? So how do you respond honestly if the truth is cruel?
Truth? Forget it. In relationships we are compelled to lie, not to be devious or harmful, but for quite the opposite reason, to enhance compatibility and mutual admiration to make romance blossom rather than wilt away and die.
Your romantic interest calls you on the telephone, someone you think is going to be special in your life.
“Hey, I thought you said you’d be home the other night. Where were you?”
You could tell the truth: “Out on a date.” Not smart.
You could fudge it and say, “Out with a friend.” That begs the question, and who was the friend?
You could say, “I don’t think it’s your business.” Poison to the romance.
You could lie and say, “Just stepped out to go to the supermarket.” The white lie that keeps the romance flourishing.
Generally, and despite what they say, most women don’t want the truth. Maybe it’s because we’re so used to being lied to by our women friends—usually to save our egos. Women are raised to tell the difference between lies that are ego savers and lies that are cruel. It’s a simple calculus: We gloss over anything that might insult someone or damage self-esteem. But we try to tell the truth about everything else.
Now getting to the nitty gritty: You’re in the throes of ecstasy and your partner asks, “Do you love me?” It's not the moment to evade the question by stiffening up. Uh oh, wrong choice of words, but you get the drift. If you say no, you know what happens next. Why not think of it as truth to say, “Yes,” because at that precise moment, you probably do.
What do you say when asked: Am I beautiful? Or, does this make me look fat? The honest answer is the death knell of a relationship? So how do you respond honestly if the truth is cruel?
Truth? Forget it. In relationships we are compelled to lie, not to be devious or harmful, but for quite the opposite reason, to enhance compatibility and mutual admiration to make romance blossom rather than wilt away and die.
Your romantic interest calls you on the telephone, someone you think is going to be special in your life.
“Hey, I thought you said you’d be home the other night. Where were you?”
You could tell the truth: “Out on a date.” Not smart.
You could fudge it and say, “Out with a friend.” That begs the question, and who was the friend?
You could say, “I don’t think it’s your business.” Poison to the romance.
You could lie and say, “Just stepped out to go to the supermarket.” The white lie that keeps the romance flourishing.
Generally, and despite what they say, most women don’t want the truth. Maybe it’s because we’re so used to being lied to by our women friends—usually to save our egos. Women are raised to tell the difference between lies that are ego savers and lies that are cruel. It’s a simple calculus: We gloss over anything that might insult someone or damage self-esteem. But we try to tell the truth about everything else.
Now getting to the nitty gritty: You’re in the throes of ecstasy and your partner asks, “Do you love me?” It's not the moment to evade the question by stiffening up. Uh oh, wrong choice of words, but you get the drift. If you say no, you know what happens next. Why not think of it as truth to say, “Yes,” because at that precise moment, you probably do.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
WOMEN ATTRACTED TO NAUGHTY MEN
Some women love to capture elusive men. We all have within us the desire to tempt fate--to climb steep mountains, race cars, or gamble at roulette tables. Forbidden love provides a similar thrill.
What type of woman is she, the woman attracted to the forbidden? She knows how to flirt, charm, and entice. She lets out enough line to make the catch. She knows her prey--often married men or womanizers--to hold him she must never fully succumb to his strategies, and must be always slightly out of reach. She knows how to make him as crazy as he makes her, maybe even crazier. She can never show need, and because of that, he is driven into a frenzied battle plan designed to break down her defenses and capture her heart. The difficulty with this strategy is not that it doesn't work, because it does, but it's exhausting over any length of time. Why? Because it means living a lie. Remember, to hold on to this type of man, a woman can never let on how much his lack of commitment hurts her, or how much she really cares. She can't even express anger or resentment for ways in which his lack of commitment injures her psyche, because to express that reveals how much he means to her. Of course the married man, unlike the womanizer, does commit, that is until she makes demands or presents an ultimatum that he leave his wife and choose her. Just remember, it's very unlikely that he is going to leave his wife, so be prepared for lonely weekends and holidays.
Of course, the married man feels miserable at home and always tells his lover just how bad it is. If he does decide to leave his family, there is a strong possibility that what he did to his wife he may also do to his lover. So, are they really worth it? Even though they do stimulate intense feelings of vibrancy and the excitement of the forbidden, it's not a good bet to make. There are better ways to find excitement.
One post script: Bear in mind, there are married women who are just like these married men. So guys, beware and take the same advice.
Friday, January 11, 2008
HE'S NOT TOO YOUNG FOR YOU -- Tell Me What You Think
I have decided to share the Table of Contents and excerpt from the first chapter of my next book, HE’S NOT TOO YOUNG FOR YOU. I would love to hear from you. Your
suggestions and thoughts are welcome.
HE’S NOT TOO YOUNG FOR YOU
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Time is an eminence most famous for running out on us.
—Gore Vidal
1. THE TREND
Reasons for the Trend
Demographics and Statistics
Celebrities Open the Floodgates
2. THE YAY OF THE NAY OF IT
For Women
For Men
In Matters of the Heart, Age Is Not a Factor
3. THE FIRST ENCOUNTER
Where Do They Meet
How Does It Really Start
4. HIGH VOLTAGE
If It’s Just for Sex
Chemistry Doesn’t Lie
Lust to Intimacy to Love
5. INTERNET DATING SITES
Pros and Cons
Navigating the Sites
Making Safe Connections
Internet Marrieds on the Prowl
Truth and Consequences
6. THE MALE PERSPECTIVEve
In Their 20s, 30s, 40s and Beyond
Men to Embrace
Men to Avoid
What They Want to Hear, and What They Don’t Want to Hear
What Men Are Looking For
7. THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE
Deciding What You Want
Lover, Mommy, Teacher, Sister
Women Who Work in High Profile Jobs
Single, Divorced and Widowed Women
Women with Children, Particularly Teenagers
He’s My Fountain of Youth
8. DO YOU HAVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL?
Appearances and Your Own Self-Image
Cosmetic Enhancements
Other Ways to a Man’s Heart
9. FEMALE MAGNETISM
Loves Men, Regardless of Age
The Mentor, Confidante, Family Friend
Drop Dead Gorgeous At Any Age
Independent Women
Female Predator: The Cougar
10.ROLES MEN PLAY
Charmed and Dangerous
He’s the Trophy
Tired of Bitchy Younger Women Who Play Games
Looking for More than Just Sex
Opportunists in Business and at Work
Gold Diggers, Gigolos, and Toy Boys
11. BATTLING THE TABOO
Peer Pressure
His Family
Her Family
Out in the World
Finding Your Comfort Zone
Dating/Living Together/Marriage
12. THE DO'S AND DONT'S OF INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS
The First Meeting
Early in the Relationship
In the Bedroom
13. FINANCIAL DISPARITY
What’s Fair and Who Pays
Maintaining His Pride
Maintaining Her Dignity and Her Pocketbook
14. WHAT REALLY MAKES IT WORK
Compatibility
Resilience
Mutual Respect
15. IF AND WHEN TO SAY GOODBYE
Excerpt from Chapter One
THE TREND
"Man is young as long as he can repeat his emotions; woman as long as she can inspire them."
--Anonymous
“So, I got a divorce,” Penny said, “or more to the point, he got the divorce to marry his girlfriend. Forget what they used to say: men don’t buy the cow if they can get the milk for nothing. The jerk bought the cow. And there I was, single once again, raising a teenage son by myself. Haven’t had a date in eighteen years. My friends are still married, some on second husbands. Took me a while but I got over it, that hurricane-force impact of losing my husband. That’s when I realized I still wanted a guy in my life. But where were the guys? They were married or gay or busy living a virtual sex life in front of their computer screens. Pickings were slim to non-existent, or so I thought until one day I met someone when I least expected to.”
“Sexy sunglasses,” said a very attractive man at my gym who walked in beside me. “Hot looking.”
And so it began. Penny was 46. Not knowing that the attractive man was 31, Penny gave him a flirty smile. After a work-out, he came over and asked Penny to go out with him for a drink. They had a great time talking and laughing, until his age came up in conversation. When he said he was 31, Penny nearly expelled her mouthful of pinot noir, but caught herself fast enough to avoid blurting out what crossed her mind—what am I doing here with this kid? My God, she thought. He’s fifteen years younger than I am.
She decided to ignore the age difference and just enjoy his company for the few hours they would spend together. But he called her the next day and asked her to have dinner with him. She hesitated—again the age difference. Oh, what the hell, she said to herself. It’s just a date. Better than being at home alone. Her teenage son would be spending the weekend with his father and the new wife—the cow. Penny accepted. Romance blossomed. The age difference melted away. Penny’s story is happening all over the world. Is it new, or is it just being spotlighted? It’s a trend.
Living in society often places its demands on us, trying to make us conform to accepted norms of behavior and adhere to a certain code of conduct. These expectations carry over most pronouncedly to our personal relationships. Yet, we all know forbidden fruit is tempting. Though a certain behavior is treated as unacceptable, over time, views change.
Many of us remember well how living together was frowned upon, but nobody blinks an eye any longer if a man and woman live together without being married. An older woman dating a younger man was also one of those society imposed taboos. Now, with celebrities like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher very publicly loving each other and getting married, the older woman, younger man relationship is not only accepted, but it has a certain caché to it that many find intriguing. Websites are proliferating at a rapid pace to bring older women and younger men together.And why should there be anything unusual about it? It’s only our preconceived notions which dictate that men and women should be more or less in the same age bracket.
Everyone sizzled when Ann Bancroft seduced Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate.” Now more than 40 years later, women everywhere—on screen and off—are flaunting a sparkling new accessory: a sexy younger man. It isn’t only that Hollywood has embraced these reverse age relationships. It’s much more than that. It’s demographics, healthy living, cosmetic enhancements, and the fact of biological compatibility.
Statistically, according to the 2000 U.S. Census, there are more women than men, and the gap widens with increasing age. Large urban areas tend to have a heavier concentration of single women than men. Conservative estimates suggest that there are five single women for every four single men in major metropolitan regions of the country. Women who live in large cities are faced with numbers stacked against them. Is it any wonder that women despair about ever finding the right man?
The issue doesn’t center on sheer numbers alone, but on the availability of “desirable” men, that is. men who are, according to conventional wisdom, of an “appropriate” age, financially secure, who have attractive personalities, and who actually want a meaningful relationship. And that brings us back to the age issue. Expanding the number of eligibles to include younger men is a definite way to solve this imbalance.
Traditionally, women were taught that status can be gained through affiliation with an accomplished man, and this phenomenon plays a decided role in the perceived shortage of men. A big change in attitude is occurring, because modern women today are achieving power, status, and financial independence in their own right.
When Charlie, 21, met Roberta, 29, he was a scruffy hipster working the door at a Ft. Lauderdale nightclub. She was an architect working in a small architectural firm in Miami. They dated for a while until Roberta moved to New York City where she worked with another firm designing convention center interiors. As Roberta was making her career climb, Charlie played bass in various indie-rock bands. He worked construction jobs, did some home improvement work and finally landed a job with a small band that went on tour. He and Roberta kept in touch but the distance kept the relationship from developing until they finally landed in the same city once again. They started dating seriously, married a year later, and had a baby the following year. Charlie left the band and concentrated on a landscaping business, but even that seemed inadequate compared to Roberta’s salary. Charlie volunteered to be a stay-at-home husband and dad. The fact that Roberta is the breadwinner has never been a source of conflict between them, says Roberta. It’s not as if she expected—or even hoped—he would support her and their child. “I’d be a complete jerk if I resented him,” she says. “And the age difference has also never been an issue.”
Their situation represents a drastic shift from the 50s and 60s, a time when—if TV shows can be seen reflecting family norms—husbands would boast, “No wife of mine is gonna work! Wives would have slippers ready and dinner on the table. If you want to see the traditional family, just watch Mad Men, the TV show about Madison Avenue advertising men in the early 60s and the submissive role of their wives catering to them as they get home from a grueling day brainstorming promotion for products and slipping away for little matinees on the side.
In the three decades since, we’ve evolved to the “Sex in the City” romance between high-salaried lawyer Miranda and her young lover, Steve the bartender. They broke up at one point when Steve felt inadequate after Miranda tried to buy him an expensive suit, but they eventually married. It is Miranda’s and Steve’s contentment that reflects a growing trend in marriage where the woman is not frying the bacon—she’s the one bringing it home.
Today women are far removed from earlier eras, when they were more likely to choose a husband who was older and with real job prospects or with a sizable inheritance coming his way. The expectation that women “marry up” by snaring an older, more experienced, better educated husband has lost much of its traction for this generation.
“There was never a point where I wondered whether Charlie was right for me because of money,” Roberta explains. “I can’t imagine him in a suit. I’m really not attracted to business types. Charlie has been renovating our house while staying at home with our daughter. He’s very talented, and my baby is thriving.” Charlie has made the decision to return to work when their daughter enters first grade. He intends to continue in the business of home remodeling. “It’s something I enjoy doing,” he says, “and the extra money will be useful for our daughter’s education fund.”
When a woman can be the breadwinner, the age of the husband is not a factor and often the husband is the same age or younger. The growth in women’s income has more to do with the evolution of the American job market according to Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and co-author of The Time Divide: Work, Family and Gender Inequality. As the country has shifted away from heavy manufacturing to an information based economy, the opportunities for women grew and include talents where women excel. These are jobs that depend more on higher education and better verbal skills according to Gerson.
There has been a major shift in attitude among women today. It appears that women are looking at the man’s potential as a companion and lover and less at his bank account. Social upheavals in the recent past encouraged women to redefine themselves and aspire to their best. In order to pursue careers, especially high profile careers, women had to put off personal relationships and marriage. Now, many women are coming to the belief that a career in the absence of a relationship can be a hollow and unfulfilling experience. This swing back to a new balance in their lives comes at a time when single women really outnumber men of their ages and those slightly older.
More and more single women are realizing the demographics are working against them. Going younger and not trying to “marry up” increases their options. That isn’t to say, that some of these younger husbands won’t ultimately surpass their wives in earning power, but that they have to do so to be respected and loved is no longer true. Still, established norms take time to change, and for women, who haven’t yet found the man of their dreams, to get over the idea of “marrying up,” they will have to face the grim truth that there aren’t enough men to go around. Translation: too many women will never marry at all if they don’t expand their horizons.
The dictates of social norms don’t run women’s lives the way they used to. People have a really powerful conviction to live in the moment and do what makes them happy and fulfilled, notwithstanding the notion of planning for the future. Today’s women will only continue to grow stronger and more confident and wealthier in their own right. They are finally taking what they want. And why not? Men have been doing it forever. How do the men view this trend? They love it. That is to say, the younger men do. A few old guys are vocally unhappy to see the older women they choose to reject going out with vibrant younger men who can do for these women what some of the geezers can’t do.
The under-40 generations have been raised with more gender equality and gender neutrality, and that includes parenting equality. It’s a good thing too that there’s more acceptance now of men with ambitious, successful, and older wives. It’s a win win.
A TREND IS BORN
Back in the 1970s, people were dubious when major sex symbol Burt Reynolds had a four-year romance with singer and TV show host Dinah Shore who was 20 years older. Movie star John Travolta, then 22, similarly raised eyebrows when he proclaimed his love for actress Diana Hyland, 18 years his senior. People thought men that hot could have any young starlet they wanted. Today few people would look twice at such romances especially when they involve high-profile Hollywood women who date down in age.
What do Samantha on “Sex and the City,” and Gabrielle on “Desperate Housewives” have in common? Sex and relationships columnist Valerie Gibson would call them “cougars”—women who date men more than eight years their junior. They are part of this trend that’s coming out of Hollywood and out of the bedroom. Once the term had a pejorative connotation, but now it simply means women in their 30s to 50s, who are financially and mentally independent and looking for a younger man to have fun with. Comedienne Fran Drescher, 48, former star of “The Nanny” dated a man 16 years her junior for four years and now uses those experiences in her new sitcom “Living with Fran,” in which she plays a divorcée with a 20-something boyfriend. Demi Moore, already mentioned, is 15 years older than her husband, Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry is 9 years older than Gabriel Aubry, her lover and father of her child. And there is a 17-year gap between Susan Sarandon and her longtime boyfriend Tim Robbins.
These actresses aren’t just beautiful—they have money! And power! Goldie Hawn, 57, has happily cohabited with Kurt Russell, 52, for nineteen years. Geena Davis, 46, is wed to 31-year-old surgeon Reza Jarrahy. Julianne Moore, 42, has settled down with Bart Freundlich, 33. Even Madonna, 44, the Material Girl herself, appears to have been smitten by 34-year-old director, Guy Ritchie.
When asked why they are willing to reconsider the notion of going out with younger men, many older women refer to the Hollywood relationships they read about and also to a growing awareness that younger men are showing an interest in them. When we see role models making the change, we begin to change too. It happens gradually and yet all at once. People soon see that age is of no concern when it comes to matters of the heart. Men are buying into it more openly and making advances on older women.
Their views have changed because the reverse age relationships are no longer stigmatized. Non-celebrity women might not be trendsetters in this societal new frontier, but by the same token they are not so rigid that they can’t follow a trend.
TEST your readiness for a reverse-age relationship.
FOR MEN
1. When you first saw Demi Moore with her much younger lover who subsequently became her husband, were you inspired to find an older woman to date?
2. Are you attracted to women who are older? As a teenager, did you find some of the mothers of your friends appealing in a sexual way?
3. Do you find intelligent women who offer more stimulating conversation a turn on?
4. Do you like the grace and charm of older women?
5. Are you attracted to women who are successful and confident?
6. Do you like curves on a woman as opposed to a more boyish female figure?
7. Did you ever have a sexual experience with an older woman, and if so, was it
pleasurable?
8. Do you often find yourself bored with or indifferent to younger women?
9. Does it turn you on to have a woman know what she likes sexually and be free enough to tell you what that is?
10. Are you confident enough with yourself to handle some of the raised eyebrows you may have to deal with when in the company of a woman who looks older than you?
FOR WOMEN
1. Are you one of these women who looks and feels much younger than your age, and who attracts younger men?
2. When you’re at the beach and see a gorgeous young guy, do you wish you could have sex with him?
3. Do you stay current with technology, music, sports?
4. Do you have a lot of energy, more than many women your age?
5. Do you like outdoor activities?
6. Do you find men your age to be generally unappealing or inadequate to meet your needs?
7. Are you able to stand up to peer pressure and raised eyebrows?
8. Are you financially secure enough to not need to rely on a man?
9. If you’re at a late child-bearing stage, would you be willing to still have a child with a young man who has never had children and might want one?
10. Are you able to go into a relationship with a more carefree attitude taking from it what it has to offer rather than expecting something long term or permanent?
If you’ve answered yes to 8 of the 10 questions, you’re ready for a reverse-age relationship.
suggestions and thoughts are welcome.
HE’S NOT TOO YOUNG FOR YOU
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Time is an eminence most famous for running out on us.
—Gore Vidal
1. THE TREND
Reasons for the Trend
Demographics and Statistics
Celebrities Open the Floodgates
2. THE YAY OF THE NAY OF IT
For Women
For Men
In Matters of the Heart, Age Is Not a Factor
3. THE FIRST ENCOUNTER
Where Do They Meet
How Does It Really Start
4. HIGH VOLTAGE
If It’s Just for Sex
Chemistry Doesn’t Lie
Lust to Intimacy to Love
5. INTERNET DATING SITES
Pros and Cons
Navigating the Sites
Making Safe Connections
Internet Marrieds on the Prowl
Truth and Consequences
6. THE MALE PERSPECTIVEve
In Their 20s, 30s, 40s and Beyond
Men to Embrace
Men to Avoid
What They Want to Hear, and What They Don’t Want to Hear
What Men Are Looking For
7. THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE
Deciding What You Want
Lover, Mommy, Teacher, Sister
Women Who Work in High Profile Jobs
Single, Divorced and Widowed Women
Women with Children, Particularly Teenagers
He’s My Fountain of Youth
8. DO YOU HAVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL?
Appearances and Your Own Self-Image
Cosmetic Enhancements
Other Ways to a Man’s Heart
9. FEMALE MAGNETISM
Loves Men, Regardless of Age
The Mentor, Confidante, Family Friend
Drop Dead Gorgeous At Any Age
Independent Women
Female Predator: The Cougar
10.ROLES MEN PLAY
Charmed and Dangerous
He’s the Trophy
Tired of Bitchy Younger Women Who Play Games
Looking for More than Just Sex
Opportunists in Business and at Work
Gold Diggers, Gigolos, and Toy Boys
11. BATTLING THE TABOO
Peer Pressure
His Family
Her Family
Out in the World
Finding Your Comfort Zone
Dating/Living Together/Marriage
12. THE DO'S AND DONT'S OF INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS
The First Meeting
Early in the Relationship
In the Bedroom
13. FINANCIAL DISPARITY
What’s Fair and Who Pays
Maintaining His Pride
Maintaining Her Dignity and Her Pocketbook
14. WHAT REALLY MAKES IT WORK
Compatibility
Resilience
Mutual Respect
15. IF AND WHEN TO SAY GOODBYE
Excerpt from Chapter One
THE TREND
"Man is young as long as he can repeat his emotions; woman as long as she can inspire them."
--Anonymous
“So, I got a divorce,” Penny said, “or more to the point, he got the divorce to marry his girlfriend. Forget what they used to say: men don’t buy the cow if they can get the milk for nothing. The jerk bought the cow. And there I was, single once again, raising a teenage son by myself. Haven’t had a date in eighteen years. My friends are still married, some on second husbands. Took me a while but I got over it, that hurricane-force impact of losing my husband. That’s when I realized I still wanted a guy in my life. But where were the guys? They were married or gay or busy living a virtual sex life in front of their computer screens. Pickings were slim to non-existent, or so I thought until one day I met someone when I least expected to.”
“Sexy sunglasses,” said a very attractive man at my gym who walked in beside me. “Hot looking.”
And so it began. Penny was 46. Not knowing that the attractive man was 31, Penny gave him a flirty smile. After a work-out, he came over and asked Penny to go out with him for a drink. They had a great time talking and laughing, until his age came up in conversation. When he said he was 31, Penny nearly expelled her mouthful of pinot noir, but caught herself fast enough to avoid blurting out what crossed her mind—what am I doing here with this kid? My God, she thought. He’s fifteen years younger than I am.
She decided to ignore the age difference and just enjoy his company for the few hours they would spend together. But he called her the next day and asked her to have dinner with him. She hesitated—again the age difference. Oh, what the hell, she said to herself. It’s just a date. Better than being at home alone. Her teenage son would be spending the weekend with his father and the new wife—the cow. Penny accepted. Romance blossomed. The age difference melted away. Penny’s story is happening all over the world. Is it new, or is it just being spotlighted? It’s a trend.
Living in society often places its demands on us, trying to make us conform to accepted norms of behavior and adhere to a certain code of conduct. These expectations carry over most pronouncedly to our personal relationships. Yet, we all know forbidden fruit is tempting. Though a certain behavior is treated as unacceptable, over time, views change.
Many of us remember well how living together was frowned upon, but nobody blinks an eye any longer if a man and woman live together without being married. An older woman dating a younger man was also one of those society imposed taboos. Now, with celebrities like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher very publicly loving each other and getting married, the older woman, younger man relationship is not only accepted, but it has a certain caché to it that many find intriguing. Websites are proliferating at a rapid pace to bring older women and younger men together.And why should there be anything unusual about it? It’s only our preconceived notions which dictate that men and women should be more or less in the same age bracket.
Everyone sizzled when Ann Bancroft seduced Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate.” Now more than 40 years later, women everywhere—on screen and off—are flaunting a sparkling new accessory: a sexy younger man. It isn’t only that Hollywood has embraced these reverse age relationships. It’s much more than that. It’s demographics, healthy living, cosmetic enhancements, and the fact of biological compatibility.
Statistically, according to the 2000 U.S. Census, there are more women than men, and the gap widens with increasing age. Large urban areas tend to have a heavier concentration of single women than men. Conservative estimates suggest that there are five single women for every four single men in major metropolitan regions of the country. Women who live in large cities are faced with numbers stacked against them. Is it any wonder that women despair about ever finding the right man?
The issue doesn’t center on sheer numbers alone, but on the availability of “desirable” men, that is. men who are, according to conventional wisdom, of an “appropriate” age, financially secure, who have attractive personalities, and who actually want a meaningful relationship. And that brings us back to the age issue. Expanding the number of eligibles to include younger men is a definite way to solve this imbalance.
Traditionally, women were taught that status can be gained through affiliation with an accomplished man, and this phenomenon plays a decided role in the perceived shortage of men. A big change in attitude is occurring, because modern women today are achieving power, status, and financial independence in their own right.
When Charlie, 21, met Roberta, 29, he was a scruffy hipster working the door at a Ft. Lauderdale nightclub. She was an architect working in a small architectural firm in Miami. They dated for a while until Roberta moved to New York City where she worked with another firm designing convention center interiors. As Roberta was making her career climb, Charlie played bass in various indie-rock bands. He worked construction jobs, did some home improvement work and finally landed a job with a small band that went on tour. He and Roberta kept in touch but the distance kept the relationship from developing until they finally landed in the same city once again. They started dating seriously, married a year later, and had a baby the following year. Charlie left the band and concentrated on a landscaping business, but even that seemed inadequate compared to Roberta’s salary. Charlie volunteered to be a stay-at-home husband and dad. The fact that Roberta is the breadwinner has never been a source of conflict between them, says Roberta. It’s not as if she expected—or even hoped—he would support her and their child. “I’d be a complete jerk if I resented him,” she says. “And the age difference has also never been an issue.”
Their situation represents a drastic shift from the 50s and 60s, a time when—if TV shows can be seen reflecting family norms—husbands would boast, “No wife of mine is gonna work! Wives would have slippers ready and dinner on the table. If you want to see the traditional family, just watch Mad Men, the TV show about Madison Avenue advertising men in the early 60s and the submissive role of their wives catering to them as they get home from a grueling day brainstorming promotion for products and slipping away for little matinees on the side.
In the three decades since, we’ve evolved to the “Sex in the City” romance between high-salaried lawyer Miranda and her young lover, Steve the bartender. They broke up at one point when Steve felt inadequate after Miranda tried to buy him an expensive suit, but they eventually married. It is Miranda’s and Steve’s contentment that reflects a growing trend in marriage where the woman is not frying the bacon—she’s the one bringing it home.
Today women are far removed from earlier eras, when they were more likely to choose a husband who was older and with real job prospects or with a sizable inheritance coming his way. The expectation that women “marry up” by snaring an older, more experienced, better educated husband has lost much of its traction for this generation.
“There was never a point where I wondered whether Charlie was right for me because of money,” Roberta explains. “I can’t imagine him in a suit. I’m really not attracted to business types. Charlie has been renovating our house while staying at home with our daughter. He’s very talented, and my baby is thriving.” Charlie has made the decision to return to work when their daughter enters first grade. He intends to continue in the business of home remodeling. “It’s something I enjoy doing,” he says, “and the extra money will be useful for our daughter’s education fund.”
When a woman can be the breadwinner, the age of the husband is not a factor and often the husband is the same age or younger. The growth in women’s income has more to do with the evolution of the American job market according to Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and co-author of The Time Divide: Work, Family and Gender Inequality. As the country has shifted away from heavy manufacturing to an information based economy, the opportunities for women grew and include talents where women excel. These are jobs that depend more on higher education and better verbal skills according to Gerson.
There has been a major shift in attitude among women today. It appears that women are looking at the man’s potential as a companion and lover and less at his bank account. Social upheavals in the recent past encouraged women to redefine themselves and aspire to their best. In order to pursue careers, especially high profile careers, women had to put off personal relationships and marriage. Now, many women are coming to the belief that a career in the absence of a relationship can be a hollow and unfulfilling experience. This swing back to a new balance in their lives comes at a time when single women really outnumber men of their ages and those slightly older.
More and more single women are realizing the demographics are working against them. Going younger and not trying to “marry up” increases their options. That isn’t to say, that some of these younger husbands won’t ultimately surpass their wives in earning power, but that they have to do so to be respected and loved is no longer true. Still, established norms take time to change, and for women, who haven’t yet found the man of their dreams, to get over the idea of “marrying up,” they will have to face the grim truth that there aren’t enough men to go around. Translation: too many women will never marry at all if they don’t expand their horizons.
The dictates of social norms don’t run women’s lives the way they used to. People have a really powerful conviction to live in the moment and do what makes them happy and fulfilled, notwithstanding the notion of planning for the future. Today’s women will only continue to grow stronger and more confident and wealthier in their own right. They are finally taking what they want. And why not? Men have been doing it forever. How do the men view this trend? They love it. That is to say, the younger men do. A few old guys are vocally unhappy to see the older women they choose to reject going out with vibrant younger men who can do for these women what some of the geezers can’t do.
The under-40 generations have been raised with more gender equality and gender neutrality, and that includes parenting equality. It’s a good thing too that there’s more acceptance now of men with ambitious, successful, and older wives. It’s a win win.
A TREND IS BORN
Back in the 1970s, people were dubious when major sex symbol Burt Reynolds had a four-year romance with singer and TV show host Dinah Shore who was 20 years older. Movie star John Travolta, then 22, similarly raised eyebrows when he proclaimed his love for actress Diana Hyland, 18 years his senior. People thought men that hot could have any young starlet they wanted. Today few people would look twice at such romances especially when they involve high-profile Hollywood women who date down in age.
What do Samantha on “Sex and the City,” and Gabrielle on “Desperate Housewives” have in common? Sex and relationships columnist Valerie Gibson would call them “cougars”—women who date men more than eight years their junior. They are part of this trend that’s coming out of Hollywood and out of the bedroom. Once the term had a pejorative connotation, but now it simply means women in their 30s to 50s, who are financially and mentally independent and looking for a younger man to have fun with. Comedienne Fran Drescher, 48, former star of “The Nanny” dated a man 16 years her junior for four years and now uses those experiences in her new sitcom “Living with Fran,” in which she plays a divorcée with a 20-something boyfriend. Demi Moore, already mentioned, is 15 years older than her husband, Ashton Kutcher, Halle Berry is 9 years older than Gabriel Aubry, her lover and father of her child. And there is a 17-year gap between Susan Sarandon and her longtime boyfriend Tim Robbins.
These actresses aren’t just beautiful—they have money! And power! Goldie Hawn, 57, has happily cohabited with Kurt Russell, 52, for nineteen years. Geena Davis, 46, is wed to 31-year-old surgeon Reza Jarrahy. Julianne Moore, 42, has settled down with Bart Freundlich, 33. Even Madonna, 44, the Material Girl herself, appears to have been smitten by 34-year-old director, Guy Ritchie.
When asked why they are willing to reconsider the notion of going out with younger men, many older women refer to the Hollywood relationships they read about and also to a growing awareness that younger men are showing an interest in them. When we see role models making the change, we begin to change too. It happens gradually and yet all at once. People soon see that age is of no concern when it comes to matters of the heart. Men are buying into it more openly and making advances on older women.
Their views have changed because the reverse age relationships are no longer stigmatized. Non-celebrity women might not be trendsetters in this societal new frontier, but by the same token they are not so rigid that they can’t follow a trend.
TEST your readiness for a reverse-age relationship.
FOR MEN
1. When you first saw Demi Moore with her much younger lover who subsequently became her husband, were you inspired to find an older woman to date?
2. Are you attracted to women who are older? As a teenager, did you find some of the mothers of your friends appealing in a sexual way?
3. Do you find intelligent women who offer more stimulating conversation a turn on?
4. Do you like the grace and charm of older women?
5. Are you attracted to women who are successful and confident?
6. Do you like curves on a woman as opposed to a more boyish female figure?
7. Did you ever have a sexual experience with an older woman, and if so, was it
pleasurable?
8. Do you often find yourself bored with or indifferent to younger women?
9. Does it turn you on to have a woman know what she likes sexually and be free enough to tell you what that is?
10. Are you confident enough with yourself to handle some of the raised eyebrows you may have to deal with when in the company of a woman who looks older than you?
FOR WOMEN
1. Are you one of these women who looks and feels much younger than your age, and who attracts younger men?
2. When you’re at the beach and see a gorgeous young guy, do you wish you could have sex with him?
3. Do you stay current with technology, music, sports?
4. Do you have a lot of energy, more than many women your age?
5. Do you like outdoor activities?
6. Do you find men your age to be generally unappealing or inadequate to meet your needs?
7. Are you able to stand up to peer pressure and raised eyebrows?
8. Are you financially secure enough to not need to rely on a man?
9. If you’re at a late child-bearing stage, would you be willing to still have a child with a young man who has never had children and might want one?
10. Are you able to go into a relationship with a more carefree attitude taking from it what it has to offer rather than expecting something long term or permanent?
If you’ve answered yes to 8 of the 10 questions, you’re ready for a reverse-age relationship.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Just for Sex, or Is It More?
Just for sex or is it more? Some younger men had this to say:
Here’s what draws the younger man to an older woman, at least what I know from talking to lots of younger men who are my friends: First, the older woman’s ability to talk with you about subjects of interest. Her laugh, sexy smile, air of mystery are her magic ingredients. She moves with confidence and has no fear when she approaches you. Also older women talk about real issues and have a good take on subjects of interest. Next, is their attractiveness. Older women have curves, womanly soft curves that are so appealing. They are meticulous. They smell good. Older women show more affection and acceptance. In a non-perverse way they have a dominatrix appeal, which makes you hope they would take you and do with you what they wish. They like nice guys who help out and they appreciate when kind things are done for them, whereas a young girl will just use you for what she can get. And older women demand respect, and when they seduce us younger men, we are nothing but helpless sheep. I personally am drawn to them because they are my soulful match. I grew up surrounded by a lot of older women, sisters, aunts, and cousins. I love the intellectual conversations and joking with them. They don’t take themselves so seriously. And yes, the sex with them is out of this world. They take the challenge to a whole new level, like an elixir. I love flirting with them. On the sex issue, the older woman is smart. She really loves sex, and will guide you along, teach you how to touch her the right way. She loves the male body and handles it with a reverence even if the man’s body isn’t perfect. She makes a man feel manly. Her genius is in making the young man her perfect lover adapted to know her likes and needs. Having had some of the ups and downs of life, she is empathetic and understanding. That’s why we love older women. They have no equal.
Here’s what draws the younger man to an older woman, at least what I know from talking to lots of younger men who are my friends: First, the older woman’s ability to talk with you about subjects of interest. Her laugh, sexy smile, air of mystery are her magic ingredients. She moves with confidence and has no fear when she approaches you. Also older women talk about real issues and have a good take on subjects of interest. Next, is their attractiveness. Older women have curves, womanly soft curves that are so appealing. They are meticulous. They smell good. Older women show more affection and acceptance. In a non-perverse way they have a dominatrix appeal, which makes you hope they would take you and do with you what they wish. They like nice guys who help out and they appreciate when kind things are done for them, whereas a young girl will just use you for what she can get. And older women demand respect, and when they seduce us younger men, we are nothing but helpless sheep. I personally am drawn to them because they are my soulful match. I grew up surrounded by a lot of older women, sisters, aunts, and cousins. I love the intellectual conversations and joking with them. They don’t take themselves so seriously. And yes, the sex with them is out of this world. They take the challenge to a whole new level, like an elixir. I love flirting with them. On the sex issue, the older woman is smart. She really loves sex, and will guide you along, teach you how to touch her the right way. She loves the male body and handles it with a reverence even if the man’s body isn’t perfect. She makes a man feel manly. Her genius is in making the young man her perfect lover adapted to know her likes and needs. Having had some of the ups and downs of life, she is empathetic and understanding. That’s why we love older women. They have no equal.
Friday, January 4, 2008
A Younger Man - The Conclusion
When he unhooked my bra, I put my arms across my chest. “Why are you covering yourself up?” he asked, as he stood and peeled off his clothes. I didn’t say what I was thinking, that he was probably used to seeing the bodies of young coeds, perfect in their youthful way. "You're very sexy," he said, "very luscious. You don't have to hide yourself from me." He stood in silhouette in front of the fire. I was stunned. He was so beautiful. I had always loved the fifth century statues of male nudes. The young man looked like one of the statues, only alive and warm to the touch. He sat down beside me and folded me in his arms, then cupped my breasts with his hands and expressed approval. When we made love, it hurt at first. I had not had sex in quite a long time, and despite his gentleness, he was huge and ultimately vigorous. But for a very young man, I thought he was a rarity, experienced in the knowledge of a woman’s body, sensitive, respectful, and openly appreciative, not what I had known or expected. He was after all the seducer, and I was his eager student. Suddenly, it seemed in his experience he was the older one. I had the distinct impression that he was probably the seducer of his high school teacher, rather than it being the other way around. When it was over, he told me how happy it made him to give me pleasure. This was so entirely different from what I had known in my limited experience and in my marriage. Unlike men of a previous generation, younger men know what to do. In giving as they do, they derive so much more from lovemaking by putting the woman’s pleasure first. I began to understand the yearning for younger men, for their love of a woman's body, their sensitivity, gentle touch, and unselfish ways.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
A Younger Man continued. Second Part
I put my toe in the water. The summer season was over, but the water was still warm from the heat of August. The young man stopped. “Do you live here?” he asked.
”Just in the summer,” I said. “I’ll be here for another week, then it's back to New York for the winter. Are you an islander?” I asked. “I am now,” he said. I’ll be teaching in the high school this year. Actually, I’m looking for a place to live. You wouldn’t be interested in a winter tenant, would you?” I hadn’t ever rented before, but looking him over, I thought he seemed like a nice young man, a high school teacher, and I certainly needed the money to pay for the maintenance of the house. We talked. I told him, I would consider renting to him. We walked back to the house so that he could look it over. We came to an agreement that he could have it as long as he understood that he must be out by mid June. We talked some more, then he asked me if I’d like to join him for dinner, that is if I didn’t have other plans. That night he picked me up and we drove to one of the local seafood places at the other side of the island, a casual place that served steamed lobsters with ears of corn and steak fries. We shared a blueberry cobbler for dessert. He told me that he wanted to be a writer, but until he could get established he would have to work, so teaching English in the high school allowed him the time to work on his novel, a coming of age story, and one that I soon realized was his story, a saga of a young man who found himself being raised by an old maid aunt after losing both of his parents in an automobile accident. The story was about a young senior in high school who became romantically involved with his teacher, a married woman whose husband was in the military and hadn’t been home for almost a year. He was that young man. After dinner, we went back to my house, lit a fire in the fireplace, and curled up on the sofa. In the glow of fire light, I could see the sharp contours of his square jaw line, the high cheekbones and the curl of his full bottom lip. We discovered how much we had in common, the writing, the love of literature, the appreciation of solitude and a mutual yearning for someone to connect with. An intimacy developed rather quickly, from loneliness, I think, as much as from mutual desire. Through the window we could see the nighttime sky filled with stars, something not seen on the mainland because of smog and fumes from the hustle of the nearby city. It is, I think, one of the reasons so many people enjoy the beauty of the island, the remoteness, a place to shed old worries, and start anew. We shared what I had left of a bottle of Pinot Grigio. He leaned over and kissed me. It felt so completely natural though I knew I was almost twenty years older than he was. He told me how beautiful he thought I was, from the first moment he saw me. I assumed that he meant that day, but he soon explained that he had seen me at the library a couple of weeks earlier. I didn’t recall seeing him. He kissed me again, a soft brush of his lips on mine. There seemed to be no reason to stop. Neither of us was connected to anyone else. There was no one to care what we did. He reminded me of a young Jeremy Irons, gaunt, almost aesthetic looking with deep set blue eyes and dark hair on the long side, curling at his neckline. He made me feel that he was there just for me, his mind and his body, a parting gift of himself. And in a sense I was a gift to him too. I was overtaken by the stillness of the night, the glow of fire, the soft tone of his deep voice, all mesmerizing, soothing, and arousing at the same time. I wanted to consider the implications of what we were about to do, but the mood of the moment shrouded all my reservations.
To be continued.
”Just in the summer,” I said. “I’ll be here for another week, then it's back to New York for the winter. Are you an islander?” I asked. “I am now,” he said. I’ll be teaching in the high school this year. Actually, I’m looking for a place to live. You wouldn’t be interested in a winter tenant, would you?” I hadn’t ever rented before, but looking him over, I thought he seemed like a nice young man, a high school teacher, and I certainly needed the money to pay for the maintenance of the house. We talked. I told him, I would consider renting to him. We walked back to the house so that he could look it over. We came to an agreement that he could have it as long as he understood that he must be out by mid June. We talked some more, then he asked me if I’d like to join him for dinner, that is if I didn’t have other plans. That night he picked me up and we drove to one of the local seafood places at the other side of the island, a casual place that served steamed lobsters with ears of corn and steak fries. We shared a blueberry cobbler for dessert. He told me that he wanted to be a writer, but until he could get established he would have to work, so teaching English in the high school allowed him the time to work on his novel, a coming of age story, and one that I soon realized was his story, a saga of a young man who found himself being raised by an old maid aunt after losing both of his parents in an automobile accident. The story was about a young senior in high school who became romantically involved with his teacher, a married woman whose husband was in the military and hadn’t been home for almost a year. He was that young man. After dinner, we went back to my house, lit a fire in the fireplace, and curled up on the sofa. In the glow of fire light, I could see the sharp contours of his square jaw line, the high cheekbones and the curl of his full bottom lip. We discovered how much we had in common, the writing, the love of literature, the appreciation of solitude and a mutual yearning for someone to connect with. An intimacy developed rather quickly, from loneliness, I think, as much as from mutual desire. Through the window we could see the nighttime sky filled with stars, something not seen on the mainland because of smog and fumes from the hustle of the nearby city. It is, I think, one of the reasons so many people enjoy the beauty of the island, the remoteness, a place to shed old worries, and start anew. We shared what I had left of a bottle of Pinot Grigio. He leaned over and kissed me. It felt so completely natural though I knew I was almost twenty years older than he was. He told me how beautiful he thought I was, from the first moment he saw me. I assumed that he meant that day, but he soon explained that he had seen me at the library a couple of weeks earlier. I didn’t recall seeing him. He kissed me again, a soft brush of his lips on mine. There seemed to be no reason to stop. Neither of us was connected to anyone else. There was no one to care what we did. He reminded me of a young Jeremy Irons, gaunt, almost aesthetic looking with deep set blue eyes and dark hair on the long side, curling at his neckline. He made me feel that he was there just for me, his mind and his body, a parting gift of himself. And in a sense I was a gift to him too. I was overtaken by the stillness of the night, the glow of fire, the soft tone of his deep voice, all mesmerizing, soothing, and arousing at the same time. I wanted to consider the implications of what we were about to do, but the mood of the moment shrouded all my reservations.
To be continued.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Younger Man—A Friend’s Story, First Part
How did I decide that day? I was alone on the beach, wondering what to do with the rest of my life now that my divorce was final.
I was reading a book on playwriting. The air was cool, the sun beginning to set. The sound of waves lapping gently on the shore were rhythmic, almost primal. Was I going to spend all this day’s beauty, all my toned, tanned self alone? The young man was jogging along the water’s edge. He waved as he passed by. I waved back. I watched as he disappeared into the distance.
He looked like he might be in his early 20’s, maybe a little older than my daughter. What was I thinking? My new found freedom was making me a little crazy, but I wanted to feel someone’s arms around me, someone who could make me feel desirable again after so many years of a lousy marriage with no sex, not even affection.
I wanted to be seduced, a seduction with a hint of the forbidden, of transgression, a sense of wildness controlled and then not controlled. I wanted something to commemorate my re-entry into the world of being a sensual woman again. I saw the young man returning, heading in my direction. I stood up and walked toward the shoreline. I had kept my good looks. Maybe he would notice. But who was doing the seducing? Hey, I was the one doing it. I did not even have language in which to phrase what was meaningful about what I was preparing to do. In an ancient sense, nice women don’t seduce young men. I am a nice woman. I had changed my mind. And just at that moment, he approached with a smile. He was gorgeous. I returned the smile. javascript:void(0)
Publish Post
This is just the beginning of the story. Tune in again.
I was reading a book on playwriting. The air was cool, the sun beginning to set. The sound of waves lapping gently on the shore were rhythmic, almost primal. Was I going to spend all this day’s beauty, all my toned, tanned self alone? The young man was jogging along the water’s edge. He waved as he passed by. I waved back. I watched as he disappeared into the distance.
He looked like he might be in his early 20’s, maybe a little older than my daughter. What was I thinking? My new found freedom was making me a little crazy, but I wanted to feel someone’s arms around me, someone who could make me feel desirable again after so many years of a lousy marriage with no sex, not even affection.
I wanted to be seduced, a seduction with a hint of the forbidden, of transgression, a sense of wildness controlled and then not controlled. I wanted something to commemorate my re-entry into the world of being a sensual woman again. I saw the young man returning, heading in my direction. I stood up and walked toward the shoreline. I had kept my good looks. Maybe he would notice. But who was doing the seducing? Hey, I was the one doing it. I did not even have language in which to phrase what was meaningful about what I was preparing to do. In an ancient sense, nice women don’t seduce young men. I am a nice woman. I had changed my mind. And just at that moment, he approached with a smile. He was gorgeous. I returned the smile. javascript:void(0)
Publish Post
This is just the beginning of the story. Tune in again.
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