THE BARE FACTS

Question: I’m 42 years old, divorced. Recently, I became involved with a 30-year-old professional man who works in my building. He’s very attractive and could get any woman he wanted, so I’ve been playing it cool. We haven’t been intimate yet, but I know it’s going to happen. I’ve had kids and the stretch marks that go with it. My body isn’t the body of a young single woman. I’m a little overweight and having breast fed two children, my breasts aren’t that perky or firm anymore. How can I make myself more appealing in the nude? Frankly, I’m embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of him. I don’t want him to be turned off. What can I do to minimize my figure defects?

Answer: Surprise! At any age, women agonize about the way their naked body will look to a man with whom they’re having sex. Overweight men with a big gut never give a moment of worry about how they look except for the size of you-know-what? When we, as women, get naked, we want to make a grand entrance, even if we’re not so grand. Is there any dignified way to get naked and to present whatever men or women have that just hangs there? Men have pride in what’s there unless it’s not up to standard, but even with that, he’s not going to allow himself to be deprived. Why are women so self-conscious? Because we are victims of society’s message that the woman has to be young and beautiful to attract a man. Sadly, we’re brain-washed into believing that youth and good looks comprise the sum total of a woman’s worth. Even if we’re toned and flexible and he’s salivating, saying how beautiful he thinks we are, we’re never convinced. There’s always that uncertainty. It hovers over us like a thunder cloud about to burst and ruin the night. Even gorgeous women are insecure about the way they look in the nude. That begs the question—if they’re insecure, what about the rest of us who aren’t that gorgeous with our quilted thighs or flabby upper arms? Will he be shocked and repulsed? Should I spend the next six months going to the gym and starving the fat off before I allow him to see me naked? You could do that, but he may be gone by then.

Think of this: he’s naked, his clothes strewn on the floor. He’s visibly ready. You’ve managed candlelight. It’s glowing and forgiving. So what’s the problem? The problem is in your head. Okay, you can leave the sexy underwear on. It helps. It gives you some comfort, and he will probably enjoy helping to take it off when the moment is right. It’s not that easy, huh? Just remember when a man is sexually aroused, the woman’s body even with some flaws is beautiful. Are you noticing his love handles? Or that his upper arms aren’t that muscular? Probably not even entering your mind because you’re so focused on you. And so is he, because he doesn’t give a second of worry to his flaws. He’s in the moment. And that’s where you should be. And whatever you do, don’t apologize for your body. That only draws his attention to it when he would otherwise not notice. Even if you’re twenty or thirty pounds overweight, you don’t have to worry because the guy already knew that. Clothes don’t disguise that much. If he wanted a skinny woman, he wouldn’t be there with you.

There are several ways of handling this dilemma. But before you get to that stage, be sure you have nice new seductive underwear. Men love silk and lace. If your legs have varicose veins, you might wear a sexy garter belt and stockings, the kind men fantasize about. Once a man is aroused, he sees what he wants to see. He’s not going to take the time to scrutinize you to see if your body is perfect. Be sure to engage in a lot of foreplay before the clothes come off. By the time they do, he’ll be so eager to please himself and you that he won’t even notice your figure faults. Men who really like women, and particularly an older woman, prefer round curves to bony sharp edges. They want a woman to look womanly. Don’t forget candlelight is romantic and very forgiving and so is a blazing fire in the fireplace if you can manage that. Or you can snuggle on a couch to watch a movie in the dark. Let one thing lead to another. You might consider a deserted moonlit beach. It’s a wonderful venue.

A word of caution: try to avoid being on top because gravity has a funny way of making all the skin fall forward. When he’s on top, there’s no droop; however, unless you have implants, you might want to keep your arms close to your body so that your breasts won’t look like sunny-side-up fried eggs. One woman, not wanting him to see her full body naked, started her sexual relationship with her young man in the back seat of a car on a deserted country road on a dark night where she knew there would be no onlookers, but for safety, I don’t recommend that.

Now, some very good and sound advice based on what I heard from so many of the men I interviewed: If the two of you have been together several times, and he’s still pursuing you, he already thinks you’re attractive or he wouldn’t still be there. By the time you’re both in the throes of passion, you think he looks great, and he thinks you do too, so stop the worry and enjoy each other. Hint, hint: the average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with a perfect figure.

SEEKING APPROVAL TO DATE A YOUNGER MAN

QUESTION: I’m 48, divorced, and I’d like to go out with a younger man but some of my friends think it’s unseemly. They’ve said men who go out with older women are only interested in sex. I want a companion, someone to do things with-- travel, have dinner, see a movie. I’m attracted to younger men, but I don’t want to be called a cougar. I don’t want to feel sleazy. How do I overcome that impression and find what I’m looking for?

ANSWER: Here goes. Men are motivated toward women based on sexual attraction. It’s a given. Face it, and live with it. It’s what makes the world go round. That doesn’t mean you have to feel sleazy to get yourself gussied up to meet a younger man. If you’re bent on presenting yourself as a schoolmarm or librarian, go right ahead, but you won’t be drawing bees to the honey. That is not to say, you have to dress like a pole dancer, though I’m told high-priced call girls are very stylish and elegant. Don’t show too much cleavage, but a little. Don’t wear clothes that are skin tight, but clingy enough to show your curves in a dignified way. And stop worrying that men go out with older women for sex. Recognize an obvious fact—men go out with all women whatever their age with a desire to get her into bed. Because you’re older, consider it a complement that the younger man finds you just as appealing as he would a younger woman. Know that it’s up to you to decide what you hope to get out of the relationship and if and when you want to hop into bed. Fortunately, those rules haven’t changed. As for not wanting to be considered a cougar—that’s easy—don’t go to a bar and broadcast your desire to have a meaningful relationship for one night. And when some younger man initiates contact, certainly don’t tell him that a hard man is good to find, or words to that effect. It’s also worth knowing that men use sex to get love; women use love to get sex. What both really want is intimacy. People today say they’ve been intimate meaning they had sex. Intimacy and sexuality are not synonymous. You can go out, meet some one and have wild sex with that person. That’s not intimacy. Insects do it. Goats do it. It’s sex, but it’s not intimacy. Your desire to do things together and enjoying each other over a period of time is really what promotes intimacy. These are the activities that you can talk about with anyone. Even if the man’s immediate objective is to have sex, he is really seeking intimacy, so don’t be put off by what men do to lure you into bed. Just delay it until you know that you want to have sex with him as an expression of caring because this man is a keeper.

JOHN EDWARDS RE-VISITED

Remember I said the National Enquirer article calling Edwards on his extramarital affair was probably true. Comments were made criticizing me for that opinion. So be it. To me, the tragedy of the situation is the damage, not to Edwards, but to a wife, a very lovely and devoted wife, mother of his children, who is now terminally ill with Cancer. Imagine the humiliation she must feel during her final days of life after being there for him through two rigorous campaigns, the last one during her radiation and chemo-therapy. And, yes, the embarrassment to his children. My goodness, couldn't he have restrained those primal urges.

Just wait--they'll be more coming out on Obama, when he is long past his (I hope unsuccessful) run for President and is no longer on the main stage.

A mother had just finished bathing her little three-year-old boy. He looked down between his legs.

"Mommy, are those my brains?"

"Not yet, dear. They will be one day."

The message of this post: Hillary should have been the nominee. She would have won, and we would not have a worry about where her brains are located.

DAUGHTER ACCUSES MOTHER OF BEING A COUGAR

Help! A daughter won’t speak to her mother because she accuses her mother of being a cougar and a thief who had stolen her boyfriend.

Clare, a 22-year-old paralegal began to date Craig, a 38-year-old junior partner in another law firm. Craig is divorced and has one 8-year-old daughter. Clare’s mother Julie, 46 and divorced, met Craig when Clare invited him to join her for Christmas dinner at her mother’s house. Fast forward six months. Craig tells Clare he doesn’t want to continue seeing her.

“Clare, I don’t think this will work. There’s too much of an age difference between us. We just don’t have a whole lot in common.”

Clare is shocked and devastated. She had fallen in love with Craig and thought the reason he wanted to have that serious talk was to propose. What Clare didn’t know at that time was that Craig had visited her mother to ask how he could end the relationship with Clare in the least hurtful way, and during that visit he felt a definite attraction to Julie. Was he using the need for counsel as an excuse to see Julie? Was the attraction sudden or did it start when he first saw Julie.
Julie is socially prominent, on everyone’s guest list. She’s tall, beautiful, sophisticated, well-traveled and runs her own consulting business that she built over a period of years.

Craig denied that he had designs on Julie. “It just happened,” he said. Clare, not only doesn’t believe him, but she is now unwilling to talk to her mother.

At first, Julie refused to go out with Craig because he was her daughter’s boyfriend, but some weeks after the break-up, he continued to call Julie. And Julie was as attracted to him as he was to her. Finally, Julie relented and met him for drink. In her own mind, she justified that Craig was 16 years older than Clare, but only 8 years her junior. They had so much to talk about, many interests in common, and there was a spark that Julie almost never felt for other men she’d dated.

When Craig asked to see her again, she said, “I’ll have to tell Clare. I can’t do this behind her back.”

“Don’t say anything to her yet. Let’s see each other again first so we’ll know if we want to continue.”

That seemed reasonable to Julie. Of course, as she might have suspected, there was this enormous physical attraction between then, and on the next date, she didn’t want to think about the possibility of giving him up if Clare asked that of her. She wasn’t sure if Clare was completely over Craig. Julie began to put off the discussion she knew she had to have with her daughter.

Predictably, a month later, Clare found out. She saw her mother and Craig at a local restaurant, and knew instantly that Craig and her mother were dating. Clare left the restaurant without being seen, but the next day she confronted her mother. Julie explained how it began and admitted she’d been out with Craig a few times.

Clare was livid. She called her mother a sleazy cougar. "You either stop seeing Craig, or I'll never speak to you again."

Was Clare justified in demanding that her mother stop seeing Craig?

If you were Julie, what would you do?

Is Julie a cougar, and should the term be thrown at her in a derogatory way?
Should Craig be criticized for pursuing Julie after breaking up with Clare?

Should there be a code of conduct that precludes a mother from ever going out with a daughter’s former boyfriend regardless of the age differences?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?