Age Means Nothing in Matters of the Heart

The age of a person is really not a factor in this magnetic pull between the sexes. Men and women are created equal, that is to say, the essence of men and women is the same. Both sexes have intelligence and loving hearts. They are drawn to each other because of their likenesses as well as their differences.

One woman I interviewed for my book said that she could never have imagined herself being involved with a much younger man, and yet she is now having a relationship with a man almost 20 years younger than she is. They met through an online dating site. Both are divorced and have had children, so the issue of children is now of no concern to either of them. He is a young law associate and has always been attracted to older women. She is beautiful, sexy, and far younger looking than her age. She is the owner of an executive search firm that she built from nothing but her good sense and ability to work well with people. When they met, they discovered that they were both raised in the Boston area, came from large Catholic families, and attended the same college, albeit at very different times. These were their likenesses. Both are different in other ways. She has no tech skills. He's a tech wizard. She won’t eat meat. He’s a carnivore. She likes very traditional décor. He likes stark simplicity. She is a Democrat. He’s a Republican. What makes this relationship work? These two people have real chemistry, enjoy exposure to new ideas, accept their differences, and are never bored with each other.

Decoding Women's English

THE WOMAN'S DICTIONARY

40-ish........................................49
Adventurous..............................promiscuous
Athletic......................................no breasts
Average looking.........................Moo
Beautiful....................................Given to exaggerate
Emotionally stable.....................On meds
Feminist.....................................Probably smart
Free spirit...................................Sloppy as hell
New age......................................Doesn't shave
Old Fashioned.............................No B.J.'s
Open minded...............................No opinions
Outgoing.....................................Too approachable
Voluptuous..................................Obese
Large frame.................................Very obese
Wants a soul mate........................Suffocating
Yes...............................................Maybe or No
No................................................Maybe or Yes
Maybe..........................................Yes
We need.......................................I want
I'm sorry......................................You'll be sorry
We need to talk............................You're in big trouble
Sure, just go ahead.......................You better not
Do what you want to do................You'll pay later
I'm not upset................................Of course I'm upset, moron

You're being attentive tonight.....Is sex all you think about

No-strings Enjoyment of a Younger Man

Like many women over 50, let's call her Linda, a divorcee, she is happy to remain single--but still wants fulfillment in her life, so she found it in a relationship with a man fifteen years her junior. "I like sex more now than I did when I was younger. It's no longer a way of ensnaring a man. These days I'm comfortable in my own skin, relaxed enough to make love as if it were feast laid out for me, one of the great joys of being human. I'm more willing to receive and give a fair share of what life offers--the pleasure of real intimacy with a man, the exchange of thoughts and ideas without monitoring my every word or action. I don't relish the idea of dating, so having found a much younger divorced man with a child who he visits every other weekend, is a perfect situation for me. Just as his life is arranged, so is mine. I have my children, grown now, my home, my work, my interests, and my friends. A few evenings a week and on alternate weekends, I am with this young man. Am I in love with him? Probably, I am in a way. I know that we both make the time to be together. We have so many common interests: loving movies, taking long walks, cooking together, sometimes at my place, sometimes at his, and listening to music while we read and sip good wine. Does he love me? He says so, though I am acutely aware of the likelihood that this may not last forever. When it's over, I will find someone else, at least until I no longer have a need for what romance offers. But, me being me, I can't imagine ever getting over that need to have a man in my life. I'm not a predatory older woman, just a woman who happened to find great pleasure in the arms of a younger man."

How To Seduce a Woman and Make Her Your Own

Men, here are some suggestions on how to win over a stylish, confident woman, not for a one night stand but for a meaningful relationship that is mutually satisfying to both of you.

1. Be sincere. This type of woman will spot a phony in a New York minute. Compliment her on something you truly admire. And, if she really is gorgeous, you can say so. If she isn’t extraordinarily beautiful, don’t keep saying so. Trust me, she looks in the mirror. It won’t come across as sincere. A compliment that she knows you mean will have much more impact. This doesn't mean you can throw out a compliment and then get naked, but it is a good first step. The compliment should NOT be 'you have a great bod,’ or ‘great knockers.' Go for the eyes, hair, intelligence, sense of humor, something along those lines. One or two appropriate compliments are best.
   
   
2. Listen to her. She will give you clues about what she likes. At a later time, you can show that you remember what she has said and it makes a difference to you. This is always well-received.
   
   
3. Don’t exaggerate or lie. These things have a way of turning around and biting you.
   
   
4. Don't offer advice unless asked. It could come off sounding like you are telling her what to do. Older women have been overly subjected to men who make demands, who tell them what to do, and expect that its their right to do so. These women don't want more of it. Just listen and be supportive.
   
   
5. Do not talk about sex unless she brings it up. And even if she does raise the subject, don’t use vulgar terms.
   
   
6. Don't act desperate. Just let things flow naturally. Desperation is an unappealing quality in either sex.
   
   
7. Avoid talking about yourself too much, but do respond when she asks about you. And let her talk and be attentive. An ongoing conversation about how big your muscles are or how fast your car is will not score. Bragging about your endowment is a definite no-no. And when you call her on the phone to make a date to see her, don’t ask her if she’s wearing panties or thongs. On the other hand, sitting in silence doesn't work either. Ask her what she does for fun, her hobbies, her work, her travels, books she likes, movies. You get the drift.
   
   
8. Avoid ogling other women when you are with her. And don’t talk about your ex or other women either. If you are out with her, let her know you like being with her by respecting her feelings and keeping your eyes and mind on her.
   
   
9. Treat her with respect. Don't call her chick or broad, or any other name unless you have been together for a while and you come up with pet names for each other. A smart woman will not be interested in sex with you until she knows you respect her. If a one night stand is what you have in mind, then don't lead her into believing you want a relationship with her. Playing with her feelings is cruel and something no one should do to anyone. Every woman worth your time will be sensitive and caring. You be the same.
   
   
10. Don't make her feel as if she should sleep with you because you have spent money on her. That will definitely have the opposite affect. All you have bought is her time and the opportunity to prove to her that you are worth a second look.
    

Marrying A Younger Man Can Work

My next book, He's Not Too Young for You, is about older women with younger men. Last summer while I was in line at a supermarket, the front cover of a magazine at the checkout counter caught my eye. The photo featured a stylish woman holding hands across a restaurant table with her dinner companion. Women look so good today their precise age is hard to know, but she was certainly older than the man sitting across from her. He was good looking, muscular, clean-cut, and wearing an adoring smile. They were sharing a bottle of red wine. My thought--can it work?

I grabbed the magazine and looked inside. More pictures of them skiing on a white mountain, playing tennis, and, the picture that told the outcome--the lovely woman and her young man with a baby in her arms. I skimmed the article. She described her relationship as one that revitalized her life. “Yes I broke the taboo,” she said. “I was 40. He was 28. It wasn’t just sex. Don't get me wrong. Sex was great. But we fell in love. And I did what everyone warned me not to do. I married him. We both wanted children and knew that my clock was ticking so we hurried. As luck would have it, I became pregnant at the age of 41.”

Her first marriage fell apart, largely due to the travel demands of her job. She was distraught mostly because she thought she might never have a child. And then she met Tom at a support group. She described the group as being one “for repairing casualties of divorce.” Tom’s first wife ran off with another man a year into their marriage. “My friends and family warned me against a relationship with Tom. As my sister put it, ‘how can you go with a guy who was playing little league baseball when you were in college?’”

On the last page of the article, there was a picture of the couple with their 10-year-old daughter. The caption read: “The roar of disapproval stopped when we married and had our daughter.”

I drew some conclusions from the article—that there may still be some disapproval; that disapproval evaporates when the couple can demonstrate genuine love, and, most importantly, that these reverse-age relationships do work.

Be Adventurous

There may be a moment when you step back, look at the situation, and think to yourself--what am I doing with this old guy so set in his ways, he forgot how to have fun? Yes, it's you--stylish, secure in your career, looking good, feeling good, but the man you've been dating has gradually laid his cards on the table. He doesn't like that you work long hours, that you sometimes have to travel for your job, that you've decided who you want to vote for on your own, and that you don't always have dinner on the table for him like his deceased wife did. Keep a light heart and stop beating yourself up for his shortcomings. The signals are flashing. Get rid of him. He's too old for you. You need someone younger. Yes, the young man you met at the gym or at Starbucks or the library who said he'd like to see you again. He saw you. He liked you. He asked you out. You think he's attractive. But he's fifteen years younger than you are. Too young? Hell no! He's not too young for you. It's an adventure and very likely to be an enjoyable one. Sure you'll have moments of doubt and uncertainty. At least you've reached out for a chance at happiness. That it may not last is not important. It didn't last with the old guy either because you lost interest in being what he wanted you to be instead of being able to be who you are. You are now going to do what you haven't done before, embark on a new relationship, a new life that is truly of your making and design and one that suits you at this point in your life. Cheers for you. You're in for a treat, the pleasure of being with a vibrant young man who thinks you're pretty, you're sexy, you're appealing. Enjoy him and laugh. It will lengthen your life.

Cougar Women on Dating Sites

It's not just the men who want to date older women. It's mutual. And if men are looking for sexy older women, they will find them on internet dating sites. Women in their 30's to 60's are pursuing younger men on these sites. In April, 2007, the online dating site, PlentyofFish.com conducted a study of over 50,000 women daters ages 30 and over. In the U.S., of the women who initiated contact with men, 38% sought out men at least 5 years younger than themselves and 10% messaged men at least 10 years younger. The percentage results were similar in Canada, the UK, and in Australia.

A word about PlentyofFish.com. In 2003 Markus Frind created and founded the site, and it has changed the face of the online dating industry by showing singles don't have to pay for love. Driven by word of mouth referrals, PlentyofFish has quickly grown to be one of the most popular sites in both the U.S. and the UK. Every day, more than 400,000 singles choose PlentyofFish.com as their online dating destination.

A significant number of my male interviews came from this site.

Virtues of Older Women

• Older women will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't much care what you think.
• If she doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't complain that all you do is sit around and watch sports. She does something she wants to do.
• She knows herself well enough to be confident in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. And she doesn't worry about what you think about her or what she's doing.
• She won't stoop to screaming at you in public. She's too dignified. Of course, if she thinks you deserve it, she might just shoot you in private--if she thinks she can get away with it.
• She will be generous with praise, often more than you deserve, because she knows what it's like to be unappreciated.
• You never have to confess your sins to her. She is so intuitive and already knows them.
• Once you are able to overlook a wrinkle or a little less tone, she is far sexier than her younger counterpart. She's forthright and honest, and she'll tell you right off if you're acting like a jerk. And you don't have to worry where you stand with her. You'll know.
• She will amaze and thrill you in the bedroom, because she knows what to do and enjoys doing it.
  

Lonely Married Men and Women

This is what I wrote on a previous Post: "Ladies, if you sign up for a dating site, be forewarned: a significant number of men on these sites are married. They use screen names and omit pictures. Either they are miserably married, bored, or horny beyond what they are able to get at home. Don't be surprised if they IM you and ask the question: "Are they on or off? " I had no idea what one man meant by his question. "What are you talking about?" I asked. "Your panties," he replied. "On or off?" "Why would you initiate contact in such a crude way," I asked. "Don't be naive," he said. "What do you think this is all about?" He meant phone sex. I ended the IM. He then sent an e-mail apologizing to me, but within the apology was the following statement: "You may be telling the truth that you are on the site because you were trying to obtain male interviews, but you can't blame a guy for trying."

This is what I'm adding to my previous post: That same man e-mailed me to say that I had only half the story. "The women out there are also married and looking," he said. To find out, I had to do a search on the site indicating I was a male looking for a female to see the female profiles. He was right. A significant number of women on the dating site stated quite openly that they were married and looking for chatting, friends, or more. I haven't had a chance to contact any of these women to find out what motivates them. I suspect they are there for the same reasons as those given by the men--that they are lonely, disconnected, and wanting to feel desire and be desired. By looking at the profiles of the women, I could see that many of them want to connect with younger men, just as many of the men are seeking the company of older women. Something is happening. Why are there so many married people looking for more than their marriage is providing? And what accounts for this current and growing interest in younger men for the women and older women for the men?

One More Step toward Equality

The older man looks with adoration at his young wife or companion and thinks of himself as fortunate that she wants to be with him. Too many women with younger men are plagued with self doubt and recriminations. Just remember--that is the double standard and you're accepting and imposing it on yourself. Some of the most astonishingly beautiful women have the same insecurities. Why do women process an age gap relationship so differently from men? Because we are not immune to society's message that youth and beauty are essential to a woman's sexual desirability. Men don't scrutinize their wrinkles, their love handles, their gray hair or no hair. Women have come a long way toward equality, and this is just one more step in that direction. In the meantime, remind yourself that your young partner wants to be with you. He picked you. No one is forcing him to be with you. And he wants you because of who you are, whatever your age. Your age obviously meant nothing to him, so why fret about it? Cliches become cliches because the words strung together are overused, but that also means the words have very special meaning and are appropriate to situations. In this case, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

Many Young Men Have Known a Mrs. Robinson

The concept of Mrs. Robinson, the fictional character, popularized in what is now a classic movie, The Graduate, is not entirely fictional. Many a young man remembers in vivid detail the sexy older woman who initiated him into manhood.

Alan, 42, says he will never forget the woman who gave him memories he now cherishes. He was age 18 at the time he began a relationship with the 37-year-old divorced mother of his best friend. They continued to see each other for seven years. "I was in love with her," he says. "I don't know if she loved me as intensely as I loved her, but she did love me in her way. I know that. To this day I continue to see her at family gatherings because she was and continues to be my mother's closest friend. She taught me all I know about love-making, and how to be the kind of man I'm proud to be--a man who understands what makes a woman happy. No one ever found out about our relationship, nor is it necessary that they know about it. I still have fantasies about her."

There are some who will frown on the image of an older woman luring an innocent young man into her bed, but the men who had these experiences are grateful that they did.

Tea and Sympathy, Robert Anderson's 1953 Broadway drama, can also be remembered as a story about a sensitive teenage boy "saved" from the threat of homosexuality by the ministrations of a kind older woman, the headmaster's wife at the boys' prep school where the action takes place. Feeling pity for the mixed up young student, she offered her own body to prove to him that he was completely heterosexual and not the sissy his classmates accused him of being. Her last words to him, "When you speak of this in future years--and you will--be kind."